Humor?

HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
   Nacho cheese
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
   Spoiled milk
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
VAMPIRE?
   Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
   A nervous wreck
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA
SOUP?
   Anyone can roast beef
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it reeeeeeeeeeeeeeely scares the dog

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
   Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
HOOVER?
   The location of the Dirt Bag.
17. WHY DO PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
   Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
BAD SKYDIVER?
   A bad golfer goes whack. A bad sky diver goes splat.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT
Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

TO ALL OLD FARTS

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

A young hotshot gets a job with Revenue Canada . His first assignment is to
audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi ,
so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a
while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in
a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to Revenue Canada and every once in a while
they send us a little prick like you."